I’ve been writing about my travels for over twenty years, but now I’m under threat. Artificial Intelligence (AI) can do it too. So, I hereby hand over my scribblings to a bunch of flashing lights buried deep in a bunker under the permafrost of Iceland.
I asked Google’s AI robot, Bard, to write a travel review on my home-town of Cleethorpes. Here’s how it got on. Fair play to Bard, it got the first eleven words right….
Cleethorpes is a seaside town on the north-east coast of England…
Things to do:
Visit the pier: Cleethorpes Pier is one of the longest piers in the UK, and it’s a great place to take a stroll, enjoy the views, or have a ride on the amusement park rides.
(It’s actually one of the shortest piers in the UK, its once longer length being truncated in WWII to stop the Germans landing on it. It has no ‘amusement park’ rides on it. Maybe Bard was getting Cleethorpes Pier confused with the similarly named Santa Monica Pier in California. An easy mistake to make.)
Visit the Grimsby Docks: Grimsby is just a short drive from Cleethorpes, and it is home to one of the busiest fishing ports in the UK. You can take a tour of the docks and learn about the fishing industry, or visit the Grimsby Fish Docks Museum.
(Once upon a time, in the 20s to the 50s, it was the biggest fishing port in the world. Technically it hasn’t been a ‘fishing port’ since the Cod War and the EEC kyboshed our fishing industry in the 70s and 80s. There is indeed a museum, but it is called ‘The Grimsby Fishing Heritage Centre’…the home of Grimsby’s only remaining fishing trawler, pickled for posterity)
Visit the Cleethorpes Coast Lightvessel: The Cleethorpes Coast Lightvessel is a former lightship that’s now a museum. You can climb to the top of the lighthouse for stunning views of Cleethorpes and the surrounding area.
(Nope, never was. Doesn’t exist. It has a Light Railway, but you might get your arse kicked if you start climbing on top of one of their trains for stunning views of Cleethorpes and the surrounding area.)
Cleethorpes is so British, it even has its own version of Stonehenge: the Humber Bridge.
(Hmmm, The Humber Bridge is around 20 miles away, and it looks nothing like Stonehenge. Or does it? Perhaps Stonehenge looks like The Humber Bridge these days. I haven’t been to Stonehenge for a while (nearly £50 for two, are you surprised?)…maybe they’ve renovated it.)
There are a variety of hotels and B&Bs in Cleethorpes to suit all budgets. If you’re looking for a hotel with a sea view, try the Cleethorpes Hotel or the Pier Hotel.
(Nope, those hotels don’t exist)
Go to the races: Cleethorpes Racecourse is one of the oldest racecourses in the UK, and it hosts a variety of horse racing events throughout the year.
(errr, no. Never had one, unless they’ve recently put starting gates and a grandstand on the beach for the donkeys. It had a short-lived dog-track back in the 1980s. That closed rather abruptly leading to packs of abandoned greyhounds wandering the beach. Admittedly, that was mildly less annoying than some of the troublesome dogs running around on the beaches of Cleethorpes these days…By the way, thanks for informing me it is ‘only playing’. Its yapping, snarling and jumping-up had me worried for a while. Very good of you to look up from your phone and inform me of its playful nature. )
And of course, no visit to Cleethorpes would be complete without trying a Grimsby Doughnut. Grimsby Doughnuts are huge, sugary doughnuts that are filled with custard, jam, or cream.
(No such thing, unless Bard is being disrespectful about some larger members of the local population…indeed they could be full of custard, jam or cream…or gravy, I suppose.)
*On a more serious note. Here’s the problem with Bard, Chat GPT etc…To anybody that doesn’t know the subject intimately (i.e. Cleethorpes, in this case), the above sounds very authoritative in the way it is written. And that’s what is really clever about these online robot-authors, their writing style sounds ‘human’. That’s what they’ve mastered.
What you have to consider is that a lot of humans have also come out with convincing bullshit over the centuries, and plenty of other humans have believed them with dire consequences. So, indeed we are doomed, now that a machine can talk believable bollocks too.
To see all my travel guides click here.
JOHNNY SPANGLES - THE TIGHTFIST TRAVELLER 
Ai have totally mistaken not true
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After reading this I tend to agree with you about these robots. I asked chat GPT what I could see and do in my town. Talamanca de Jarama has its origins in Roman times, we have a 5 arch Roman Bridge, lots of other Roman and Moorish remains dotted around, an 11th century wall, a Cartusian monastery, an ancient bodega and then when you have finished with looking at that stuff (half a day) you can go to one of the twenty odd bars, terraces and restaurants. Granted Chat GPT did spot the parish church:
“Iglesia Parroquial de San Juan Bautista: This is the main parish church in Talamanca de Jarama. It’s worth visiting to admire its architecture and perhaps attend a mass if you’re interested.” (Mass is at 12 o’clock if anyone is trying to stay sober until a respectable hour.)
This is also one of the best birdwatching areas in central Spain, particularly famous for its Great Bustard population and loads of birds of prey but for outdoor activities the robot merely suggested:
“The surrounding countryside offers opportunities for outdoor activities such as hiking, cycling, or simply enjoying the natural scenery.”
Then the robot gave up and suggested that we all clear off to Madrid:
“Talamanca de Jarama is situated relatively close to Madrid, so you could also consider taking a day trip to explore the attractions of the capital city.”
So, I gave up with the bot and went back to reading Johnny Spangles highly entertaining travel guides.
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Hiya, many thanks for your kind words. I recently got back from Las Vegas where I saw some Grackles. Not something out of Noggin the Nog, but very vociferous birds. Tried to smuggle one back home but it gave me a nasty nip, swore at me and flew off. Maybe it was out of Noggin the Nog after all.
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