After two months, my adventure in abstinence is about to come to an end. This would have been some welcome news for the hospitality sector except that it looks like we won’t have one soon.

I first clambered aboard the wagon when lockdown finished for me and I had to return to work. I took the decision to dry out because I’d been drinking far too much whilst working from home for five months. I’d become convinced that my liver was a magical sponge that could absorb all I could soak it with. Glorious weather, drinks in the garden, no commuting and an extra hour in bed, to sleep it all off, meant that an evening glass or two rapidly turned into an evening bottle or two. My body-fat blossomed and my liver shrivelled. If I’d been sensible during lockdown it would had been the other way round.

So I gave up alcohol the week before I returned to work and I’ve stuck with abstinence for two months now. It has become natural not to drink every evening, which only goes to show that daily boozing was just a very bad habit. Don’t worry, I still have plenty of others which I have no intention of giving up. If anybody is tracking my internet viewing they’ll be able to confirm that.

I’m not quite sure why I’m now risking going back to that daily pickling of my body, although there are a couple of self-deluding reasons I’ve come up with. One is that I’m going away for the weekend and the other is that it looks like lockdown is coming back. The Covid infection graph has gone from resembling a walk in the flatlands of Lincolnshire to looking like a plan for an assault on Everest.

The last lockdown wasn’t exactly fun but at least we had the weather to tempt us out for our socially-distanced walk in the park. We now have the prospect of a winter lockdown, where we’ll be cooped up inside the house with the rain lashing down against the patio doors and the central heating working overtime. There’s only Christmas to look forward to, and I don’t like Christmas.

The supermarkets usually have the inside track on what’s going to happen and they have already asked breeders to produce smaller turkeys this year. They obviously aren’t expecting big family gatherings around birds the size of plucked ostriches. By the way, there is only one way to breed smaller turkeys at short notice, and that’s to kill them sooner. There is already an eerie Silence of the Turkeys. On the plus side, it is looking like trick or treating will be banned and we won’t have to sit in a darkened house with the telly off on October 31st.

So this forthcoming weekend away could be the last one for a while and it seems sensible to make the most of it. I’m assuming this little trip is actually going to happen. It has already been postponed from March and the hotel has subsequently cancelled the booking twice, so I’m not holding my breath. If you see a post entitled ‘Three Months’ popping up on this blog then you can assume we didn’t require our neighbours to feed our cats and then wipe up their sick. Or it may be that we did get away but all the bars, pubs and restaurants had closed by the time we got there. Oh well, whilst half the country will be unemployed at least my liver will remain pink and fluffy.

If all does go according to plan then I’m not sure what to expect from my first sip of alcohol, or even what to drink. Alcohol-free lager has provided an acceptable alternative to beer but there is no such thing as alcohol-free wine. There is something that claims to be, but it really shouldn’t be described as wine. It’s grape-juice. Therefore my first drink may well be an expensive red wine, possibly followed by real lager, then maybe a lot more cheap red wine. I’m assuming I won’t be disappointed by that first sip, and even if I am it won’t matter. The more you drink the less you taste it. I do remember that from my drinking days. You only need to splash out on the first bottle, any old shit will do after that.

So what have I learned after two months?

  1. Lidl do the best alcohol-free lager
  2. It is possible to live without booze
  3. It is cheaper to live without booze.
  4. Booze was making me fatter. My weight has now reduced by 4kg (9lbs)
  5. My liver function has probably improved, although I have no proof of this until my next type 2 diabetes blood test. If my liver isn’t at the peak of physical perfection then I’ll never forgive it and I’ll request a transplant.
  6. My penis is now as lively as it was when I was a teenager. Indeed I can no longer keep up with its constant demands.

If you are about to embark on a similar adventure then I hope what I’ve learned will be of use to you. If you are a woman you can ignore the last item, my wife has.