My bins gave birth. I thought all the noise outside was the foxes at it again, but it appears it was the bins mating. I woke up one morning and found that they’d had three offspring.

On googling the sex life of wheelie bins in Sutton I found out that this was Sutton Town Council’s crackpot scheme to wriggle out of picking up the rubbish. This will allow them to spend all their money on six-figure salaries for their top brass instead (when exactly did we start paying Town Clerks more than the Prime Minister?).

They handed the whole rubbish collection job over to a canny sub-contractor called Veolia, which sounds more like a fungal infection of the vagina. The council claim it saves them £10m. This is because those wily folks at Veolia never mentioned that they will only be collecting an egg-cup full of rubbish every third Tuesday.

I pitched my tent at the council dump in anticipation of some long queues, but they are also rationing that too.

So every household in Sutton now has five bins to decipher. The instructions are not clear so I’ve come up with my own guide for you:

Large Brown Bin – As usual, put any old crap in that. Collected every Michaelmas.

Large Green Bin –  Put only things that are coloured green in this one (e.g. fishing umbrellas, St Patrick’s Day hats, unwanted frogs). Collected every second Friday if there is an R in the month.

Medium Sized Green Box – Haven’t a clue on this one, suggest you use it to bath the dog in (ensure you take the dog out of the box before collection day, only dog snouts can be recycled).

Small Brown Bin – This is the one for waste food. Veolia will not be collecting this one. You are required to leave the bin open as other collection operatives will remove it e.g. foxes, rats, homeless.

Even Smaller Brown Bin –Solids will no longer be accepted by Sutton’s Toilet Department after outsourcing the sewerage service to Tescos, so this one is for defecating in. When the bin is full please leave at the reception of Sutton Council Headquarters (sorry, Hub).

Update: The whole scheme went totally tits-up, I hope it was nothing to do with my instructions (which were viewed by over 4000 people, by the way).

P.S. At what age is it official to start moaning about wheelie bins? 

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