My bins have given birth. I thought all the noise outside was the foxes at it again, but it appears it was the bins mating. I woke up this morning and found they now have three offspring.

On googling the sex life of wheelie bins in Sutton I’ve just found out that this is actually Sutton Town Council’s latest crackpot scheme to wriggle out of picking up the rubbish and spend all their money on six-figure salaries for their top brass instead (when exactly did we start paying Town Clerks more than the Prime Minister?).

They’ve just handed the whole rubbish collection job over to a canny sub-contractor called Veolia, which sounds more like a fungal infection of the vagina. The council claim it will save them £10m. This is because those wily folks at Veolia haven’t mentioned they will only be collecting an egg-cup full of rubbish every third Tuesday. I have already pitched my tent at the council dump in anticipation of some long queues.

So every household in Sutton now has five bins to decipher. The instructions are not clear so I’ve come up with my own guide for you:

Large Brown Bin – As usual, put any old crap in that. Collected every Michaelmas.

Large Green Bin –  Put only things that are coloured green in this one (e.g. fishing umbrellas, St Patrick’s Day hats, unwanted frogs). Collected every second Friday if there is an R in the month.

Medium Sized Green Box – Haven’t a clue on this one, suggest you use it to bath the dog in (ensure you take the dog out of the box before collection day, only dog snouts can be recycled).

Small Brown Bin – This is the one for waste food. Veolia will not be collecting this one. You are required to leave the bin open as other collection operatives will remove it e.g. foxes, rats, homeless.

Even Smaller Brown Bin –Solids will no longer be accepted by Sutton’s Toilet Department after outsourcing the sewerage service to Tescos, so this one is for defecating in. When the bin is full please leave at the reception of Sutton Council Headquarters (sorry, Hub).

Update: The whole scheme has gone totally tits-up, I hope it was nothing to do with my instructions (now viewed by over 4000 people, by the way). For the latest panic measures being put in place by Sutton Council, click here.

P.S. At what age is it official to start moaning about wheelie bins? There’s a petition as well (not me) see: Petition

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