Reims is the self-appointed capital of the Champagne region of France. This is the region where they make a certain type of fizzy wine, there’s a clue in the name as to which one it is.

This doesn’t make champagne any cheaper in Reims. In fact it is probably still cheaper at your local Sainsburys, and you’ll get Nectar points too. So, if you can’t bathe in champagne whilst in Reims, what else can you do? There isn’t a lot really, other than a snotting great cathedral

Reims Cathedral is a member of the famous triumvirate of French High Gothic Cathedrals. These are Reims, Amiens and Chartres. I can now say I’ve seen all three, and indeed they are very Gothic and very high. You wouldn’t want to take a tumble off the steeple.

The fact I have visited all of them makes me sound like either a sandal-wearing God-Botherer or a compulsive ticker of boxes. I’m neither, it’s just a coincidence. Honest.

Reims Cathedral is very impressive though, and even more so when you think it was built seven hundred years ago. This was long before big cranes, pneumatic drills and draconian health & safety regulations. How it ever got built without the first two is a miracle. The façade is stunning enough in the daylight but it was even more so when I saw it at night. This was because, when it got dark, they had a 3D light and sound show strutting its stuff.

This was most entertaining. If you’ve never seen one of these light shows they use multiple projectors to throw accurately mapped animations onto a building. So you will believe a cathedral can fly. However, the most entertaining aspect is watching drunks or stoned teenagers that stumble across the show by accident. I saw one feint, one vomit and another convert to Catholicism on the spot.

This was probably a one-off event and they may not have it when you go. So don’t be disappointed if you turn up to Reims Cathedral and it doesn’t ‘do anything’.

Reims also has the sexiest looking trams I’ve ever seen. They’re very phallic and they look like giant designer sex toys on rails. Apparently Croydon is about to get the same type of trams. The Ann Summers dildo factory is also in Croydon. If I was the boss of Ann Summers I’d certainly be thinking about a sponsorship deal.

I wonder if they ever found Gucci The Parrot? At least I presume that’s what it translates as, and it’s not a poster advertising a new range of genetically modified designer animals.