Valletta Travel Guide – Not Making the Maltese Cross

Valletta is a splendid old city, however like many places that suffer from over-tourism you can expect crowds and queues. This is mostly down to a long procession of cruise ships belching up their contents onto its streets every day. Unlike Venice, Barcelona and Dubrovnik the local population aren’t taking to the streets to moan about it though.

Why might this be?

It is possibly because Valletta is one of those places that you’re not going to visit by any other means. The majority of holiday tourists flying into Malta Airport will be heading for the coastal hotspots elsewhere, and that’s where they’ll stay in their all-inclusive hotels. The latter being somewhat akin to a landlocked cruise ship anyway.

They might take a boat-trip to the Blue Grotto, a seaside cave, to keep their kids happy, but attractions like the National Museum of Archaeology in Valletta is probably not going to be top of their holiday must-do list.

Nor is a trip to Valletta Cathedral to see Caravaggio’s ‘The Beheading of St John the Baptist’, which was indeed top of my Malta holiday must-do list. It is a painting I’ve wanted to see for many a year as it always stays in Malta Cathedral and never travels. I probably should get out more.

So, given the lack of traffic from elsewhere, the Valletta gift shops are probably more than happy that the cruise terminal is on their doorstep. So, unlike what happens in other places, these cruise tourists don’t make the Maltese cross.

Indeed, the only Maltese Cross you’ll see is the one on thousands of t-shirts and drinks coasters.

This unique cross was, and still is, the symbol of The Knights of Malta. Wherever you go in Valletta you can’t escape the cross, or the Knights. Little gilded statuettes of them peer down on you from every giftshop shelf.

The Knights of Malta (or the Knights of St John, the Knights Templar, Knights Hospitaller, the Masons (allegedly) etc. etc.) were given the islands of Malta by Charles V back in the 1500s. This was in gratitude for their crusading adventures in The Holy Lands.

Some readers may have seen the Humphrey Bogart film, ‘The Maltese Falcon’, in which the protagonists seek a bejewelled gold statuette of a falcon. This priceless artifact, lost for centuries, was supposedly a tribute paid by the Knights of Malta to Charles V in return for Malta.

There was a smattering of truth in this, as there was an annual tribute to be paid by the Knights. However, it was a real falcon that was handed over every year.

Trapping and bagging a Maltese Falcon as a souvenir these days may get you in trouble at customs, but there are plenty of avian statuettes to be had in all those gift shops. Although, like the rest of their stock, Knights included, they are more likely to be Chinese Falcons.

The Order of The Knights of Malta are still alive and kicking today, and if you want conspiracy theories then look no further.

Indeed, the order is conspiracy-central, and up there with Apollo 11, Area 51, Covid-19 and Wembley 66 (it was the Russian linesman). Should you find me hanging from a bridge next week, you’ll know I’m right.

Notable recent Knights have included George W. Bush, Rupert Murdoch, Frank Sinatra and Rudy Giuliani. Say no more.

Incidentally, Caravaggio, painter of the beheading, was also a Knight of Malta. He turned up in Malta whilst on the run after killing someone with a sword in Rome in 1606. With him, and more recent inductees, you can see the Knights have never been too fussy about taking references upon application.

The Knights of Malta gave Caravaggio safe harbour and he painted the Beheading in return and they inducted him as a Knight. It didn’t last long though as he was kicked out. The reason quoted being ‘a foul and rotten member’. I assume they were referring to his character, and not his actual member.

Nothing would surprise me about him though. He was a great artist, but a bit of a cock with it.

So, what is there to see in Valletta? The Archaeology Museum is about tuppence to get in and worth seeing, if only for the tiny neolithic figurine and national treasure, ‘The Sleeping Lady’…you need to think of the Venus of Willendorf sleeping off a hangover. Despite being so small, she’s a fairly hefty lady. One kebab too many, I fear.

Caravaggio’s Beheading of St John the Baptist, in the Cathedral, is baroque horror painting. It was painted in 1608 by a man who done something similar himself, so he knew a bit about gore and the damage a sharp blade can do. There is even an audio-visual presentation upstairs that takes you through the grisly execution in HD.

Whilst the Archaeological Museum was empty, you need to book in advance for the Cathedral (pictured). Otherwise, you’ll be queuing up with cruisers and their zimmer frames.

The cathedral is worth making the effort for. The Knights of Malta will be waiting for you there, albeit from dark and austere paintings that look down on both you and their remains buried underneath garish marble slabs that cover the Cathedral floor.

If the queues and crowds get too much, there is a little oasis of calm to be found in the Hastings Gardens high up on top of the city walls (up some stairs to the left of the main city gates as you enter them from the bus station). Panoramic views, a quiet garden cafe with cold beers and no Knights of Malta watching you.

Watch out for those Maltese Falcons though, one of them nicked my chips.

For more nonsense about Malta click here.