Malta isn’t one country, it’s an ‘archipelago’ of five islands, which sounds geographically very impressive, if not a little presumptuous in my opinion.

The dictionary definition of an archipelago is an ‘extensive’ group of islands, for instance the Malay Archipelago has well over twenty thousand islands.

Even our British Isles, where we hold no pretence in being an archipelago, has over four thousand islands. Granted some of them are no more than rocks covered in seagull-shit, but they all count.

Given the minimal number of islands that comprise ‘Malta’ I did wonder if someone had made an error in calling it an archipelago, although Google seems fairly convinced of it.

Just to double-check that Google hadn’t made a mistake, and picked the wrong word, I asked it what comes after ‘Archipelago’ in the dictionary.

Google now has its own AI to help with such awkward questions…here’s what their AI said:

“Dictionary Order: Dictionaries list words in alphabetical order, and “archimime” comes after “archipelago” because “m” comes after “p” in the alphabet.”

If you don’t believe me, put ‘in the dictionary after archipelago’ into Google.

So, this is the future folks. Still, I wouldn’t worry too much about the machines taking over just yet. They probably couldn’t even spell ‘Terminator’, never mind build one.

Anyway, ‘Malta’ is the biggest island in this alleged archipelago, then you have Gozo, then Comino…and two others that are uninhabited, and not worth bothering with. More seagull-shit.

Malta, all the islands together, is home to half a million folks (one of which wrote the above) and a smattering of organised crime lured by the presence of a lot of the world’s online gambling companies.

The reason the gambling companies are there is the freedoms extended to them by the Malta Gaming Authority.  Yes, the spelling is correct, ‘Gaming’ not ‘Gambling’. No doubt it sounds less seedy, and more fun than the grim reality of pissing the rent away during an all-night session of online bingo.

Malta is also home to a lot of British ex-pats, and even more British tourists. This is possibly because English is widely spoken, the plug sockets are the same and they drive on the left. So, there’s less chance of walking out in front of a bus. Even if you did, you can quite easily tell the hospital nurse about what a careless twat you are and can she plug your phone in for you? (no adapter required).

I’m sure Malta, the big island, was nice once, and there are some quieter little nooks and crannies worth looking at, like the cat sanctuary near St Pauls Bay, but it is far too British for my liking.

Places to avoid like the plague which, incidentally, has always been very popular in Malta from Medieval times right up until 1939:

Bugibba (which sounds like a strain of the plague, a really nasty one with the squits thrown in). It has lots of all-inclusive hotels, acres of sunburned flesh and cafes offering full-English breakfasts and Sunday Roasts…which is handy if you didn’t go all-inclusive. Although, Bugibba does have Malta’s National Aquarium. So if you are into tapping on fishtanks it is worth a look on a rainy day.

Marsaxlokk (which trades on being a traditional fishing village, maybe a hundred years ago it was). One stretch of harbour waterfront with numerous ‘seafood’ restaurants and even more numerous tourists. It does indeed have lots of boats, but then again so does Grimsby, and the fish is better.

Gzira (over the water from Valletta). Basically, just a busy road with lots of hotels, restaurants, shops and bugger-all in the way of a beach, despite what your Airbnb apartment description may say (as I point out in my review of the apartment). The best thing about Gzira is getting away from it via the ferry to Valletta.

If you know Malta, you’ll have spotted that all of the above are east coast-ish. I didn’t visit the west coast, maybe it is completely different. According to a map I’ve just looked at, the west coast does have a place with the rather jolly name of ‘Dingli’.

Perhaps they should twin-town with Dangli, which is in the Malay Archipelago (a real archipelago).

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