Guines is a small medieval town not far from Calais. The name may mean nothing to you today, other than being a typo for a beer that has an annoying habit of coming up in a solid lump when you’ve had too much of it.
However, five hundred years ago, ‘Guines’ was a name that was headline news around the world…or wherever the world ended back then. This was because it was the venue chosen by the world’s two superpowers to carry out some outlandish feats of one-upmanship.
A whole temporary town was created on the outskirts of Guines featuring mock castles, amusements, eateries and other buildings. A bit like the annual tat-fests that pop up as Christmas Fairs in major cities these days.
This medieval flaunting of national plumage was called ‘The Field of The Cloth of Gold’ and it took place in June 1520. The primary peacocks involved were Henry VIII of England and Francis I of France.
Nobody seems quite sure why the event took place. However, the ‘where’ was quite important. The Calais area was under British control back then, so technically the town of Guines was the Eastern-most point of Britain. This was where Henry VIII set up his camp. Francis, on the other hand, pitched his tents and unfurled his sleeping bag a few miles away in the town of Ardres, which was in French France.
So, in French Ardres, Francis enjoyed fine wines, great food and beautiful women with sexy accents. Down the road in English Guines, Henry drank Special Brew, wrote his initials in urine on a wall and paraded around dressed in a Burberry doublet and hose.
The two-week event took place in a field halfway between the two towns and it included jousting, hunting, feasting and fornicating.
It was at The Field of The Cloth of Gold that Henry first clapped his lustful eyes on his future wife, Anne Boleyn. He was particularly impressed with her musical talents, as well as her very large breasts.
Anne was very good on the recorder, indeed she was the 1520 French Recorder-Playing Champion. Unfortunately, the title was later taken away when it was discovered she hadn’t declared an unfair advantage, an extra finger on one of her hands. Henry finally scuppered any chance of Anne ever regaining the title by removing her head, a vital component in any recorder-player’s armoury.
At the end of The Field of The Cloth of Gold there was little in the way of a conclusion, indeed international relations may have been left in a worse state. This is because Henry and Francis had a major argument after a wrestling bout. Francis claimed three falls and a submission, however Henry claimed that he’d tagged Giant Haystacks just before Francis’ half-nelson was fully formed.
Five hundred years later the town of Guines is quite pleasant with a duck-pond, a museum and a boulangerie with the most attractive baker’s wife you’ve ever seen.
As to the Field of The Cloth of Gold itself, there’s a roadside memorial but not much else to see. Indeed, rather unsurprisingly, it is just a field. However, if fields fire your rockets, it’s not an unpleasant field.
As you can see from the picture it has some nice flowers.
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JOHNNY SPANGLES - THE TIGHTFIST TRAVELLER 