Cleethorpes Travel Guide – Anarchy by The Sea

Cleethorpes is a salty little seaside resort on the north-east coast of England. From its beach, tourists can enjoy fine views of merchant shipping, migratory seabirds and brown water. This is because it is not really by the sea, but actually sits on the lip of the silt-laden River Humber.

Despite not enjoying the crystal-clear waters of the Mediteranean, it is a lot cheaper, has more doughnuts and is perfect for a short break in these cash-strapped times.

It was, officially, the only town in the UK with an inbuilt sense of irony. This was when some wag came up with the slogan ‘Cleethorpes, The Last Resort’. Unfortunately it was then outdone by Hull, their nearby and historical rival on the other side of the river. In a bid to out-irony Cleethorpes, Hull’s Tourist Board ran a series of advertisements with the copyline ‘Hull: Don’t Come Here, It’s Shit’.

The campaign was a runaway success and Hull became the UK’s City of Culture for a year…and then went back to just being shit.

The Cleethorpes beaches are great for beachcombing, birdwatching and kite-flying, unfortunately they are also infested with dog-walkers. Hence all of the previously mentioned pastimes are likely to be interupted every five minutes by an unleashed hound.

Despite it yapping, jumping up at you, and then growling (both the dog and the owner) when you tell it forcefully to ‘Fuck off’, you can rest assured the dog is ‘only playing’. Well, that’s all right then. Phew, I was worried for a minute.

If you wish to enjoy any dog-free pastimes then the best time to visit is in the summer months, when dogs are banned from the main beach. During the winter, dogs are supposed to be on leads…just like they are supposed to be trained not to chase seabirds, not to run up to children and not to rip expensive kites to bits.

Informing me that I shouldn’t be out with my kids/birdwatching/kite-flying when there are dogs around isn’t helpful. However, on that note, you could really assist me by coming up with a list of open spaces where there aren’t any dogs these days. The silence is deafening.

Don’t get me wrong, I can see the upside of dogs. They provide companionship, exercise and enjoyment for millions….its just that many more millions of us would like to enjoy our public spaces too.

Cleethorpes did have a theme park called Pleasure Island. It was known locally as Displeasure Island (irony again) but it closed some time ago and has lay derelict ever since. On that note, I would recommend that you make your visit sooner rather than later. Like most seaside towns, the developers have moved in and things are changing…

Casualties include;

The Winter Gardens, a rock venue that saw the likes of The Sex Pistols, AC/DC, The Damned and Queen play there and is now a block of flats

JDs, a nightclub that looked favourably on those that were good at lying about their age, and is now flats.

The Lifeboat, a pub that not only lavished alcohol upon those under age, but also warned them about impending police raids and turned a blind eye to sex in the toilets, and is now flats.

The Sand Dunes (not a pub or club name, the real thing). Rather remarkably they have been destroyed by a plague of invasive thorn bushes. On the plus side it is difficult to build flats on top of thorn bushes, but on the downside the town’s younger population has nowhere left to lose their virginity.

If you walk along the coast beyond the monument to the Greenwich Meridian (which passes through Cleethorpes), and out to the sea, you can still find the last vestige of the dunes. Quite a distance to go for a shag though, especially on a cold November night with seventeen pints of lager inside you. And don’t forget the condoms, its a long walk back.

There is a stand-out tourist attraction that is worth seeing. The UK had a popular TV glove puppet bear called Sooty, however he has not been seen on our screens for some years. This is because Sooty and his little chums were kidnapped, imprisoned in a glass box and put on display in one of the town’s slot machine arcades.

For 10p a go they are forced to play ‘The Teddy Bear’s Picnic’, over and over again, many times a day. However, once I uppped it to 20p, they were happy to do a special request for me (see video).

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