Where is everyone? I finally managed to get a ticket for Sutton United v Arsenal. I found it in the street near the ground this morning. Would you believe it? A miracle!

Considering all the pre-match hype I would have thought a few more supporters would have turned up, and there’s not so much a sniff of Gary Lineker, or his pants. They say that interest in the FA Cup has dwindled, but I hadn’t thought it had got this bad. There’s only me here.

I’m really looking forward to the game. I phoned those nice people at SunBets this afternoon and would you believe they gave me odds of a million to one on Sutton winning the game. I take back all I said about them, and The Sun. I also phoned those fine fellows at Wonga and told them about the odds I’d been offered, and they immediately gave me a loan for my stake at a special rate of only five o six o percent APR.

The pre-match tension is building, although the teams are late coming out. Gives me time to get a pie. Oh no, it’s closed. Some fat bastard must have eaten them all. What’s the odds on that happening?