Further to my recent failed attempts to obtain a free ticket for plucky little Sutton United’s historic FA Cup game against Arsenal, I now have a new plan. In return for the following excellent idea I’m sure Sutton Chairman, Bruce Elliot, will be more than happy to cough up a ticket. Indeed he may even let me play. My boots are ready.

Sutton United recently announced that they had done a shirt-sponsorship deal with ‘SunBets’ just for this game. This idea has been condemned by some sectors of the footballing community and non-league Sutton United have now risked all the jolly bonhomie they’ve gained by getting this far in the FA Cup.

There are two reasons for this.

Firstly, The Sun (a UK tabloid newspaper) notoriously blamed Liverpool supporters for killing themselves at the Hillsborough disaster with a headline entitled ‘The Truth’. Not only did this upset the population of Liverpool, but it had Sun readers scratching their heads as they’d never expected to see those words appearing anywhere in The Sun. Readers demanded their money back as it’s never been what they buy the paper for. Most bought it for the tits.

Secondly, The Sun has joined a long line of newspapers, bingo halls, bookies, football clubs etc. in offering their customers an opportunity to fritter away their money via online slotties. In the UK’s high streets these days every other shop is a betting shop. This is because our government allowed them to install high stakes slot machines that generate vast amounts of money for the betting companies. Unfortunately for our enterprising betting companies, they are limited to only four machines per shop and they are not allowed to open 24 hours. They are also supposed to stop anybody playing them who is under the influence of drink or drugs (honest). However, by recreating these machines online 24/7 all these troublesome regulations can be dodged. Thus gambling addicts can now piss away their house at 2am after seventeen pints of lager.

However, there is a way out of this for Sutton United and all that Chairman Bruce needs is a bottle of Tippex. I suggest that he digs out the SunBets contract and removes the ‘R’ from ‘Shirt’. He should then position a dog turd on the centre spot with a small flag in it that says ‘SunBets’.

Thus the contractual obligations are met, the money is in the bank and The Sun remains ‘on brand’.

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