So the tickets for Tuesday night’s big FA Cup game against Arsenal have all sold out. And it looks like nobody is going to contribute a free ticket to poor old Johnny Spangles the Potato. This is despite me being a stalwart supporter of Sutton United F.C.

Admittedly not quite stalwart enough to lash out on a season ticket in recent years, but I’ll have you know that once I trekked all the way to Forest Green Rovers for an away game. Forest Green Rovers are located in a famous Olde English county called ‘The Back of Beyond’.  If you haven’t heard of this place, it’s next to ‘The Arse End of Nowhere’.

That was a waste of time, the floodlights failed when Sutton were looking likely to score, the game was held up for an hour and my car broke down on the way back. And it pissed it down all night.

Anyway this devoted effort on my part seems to count for very little these days. There was no priority given to ‘those that went to Forest Green in 1999’ for Tuesday night’s FA Cup ticketing arrangements.

So I have a new plan. I recently watched an excellent documentary called ‘Escape to Victory’. Not only does it feature the remarkable goalkeeping debut of a young fellow called Sylvester Stallone, but it also documents a very sneaky attempt to break into a football stadium via a tunnel.

Therefore I have begun my tunnel.  In order to avoid detection by the Sutton stewards I have started my tunnel in Grimsby. According to my calculations I should be emerging in the Arsenal dressing-room toilet just in time for Tuesday night’s kick-off. I should be okay, as long as Arsene Wenger isn’t shitting himself throughout the entire evening. Although, with his job at stake, that could be the fatal flaw in my plan.

My tunnel has now reached Spalding. So I am currently taking a rest underneath a Lincolnshire potato field and about to meet up with an old girlfriend. If I play my cards right with her there’ll be a bumper crop of new potatoes on its way. Wahaaaaaay!*

*Note: New potatoes aren’t really baby potatoes. Are they?

For other insights into Sutton United see: Johnny on Sutton United