Hats off to Sutton United and their Chairman Bruce Elliott in deciding to hold their highly lucrative FA Cup Fifth Round match against Arsenal FC at their own ‘throwback ground’ (the words of BT sport, not me).

Despite there now being even less chance of me getting a ticket, I have decided to call off my planned protest. Therefore my potato comrades will not be striking, and there will be chips for all at this Saturday’s home game against Boreham Wood. However, I am still open to the bung of a free ticket for the Arsenal game if Bruce wants to be on the safe side, I have been known to change my mind.

On a more serious note the decision to turn down oodles more cash by not playing the tie at Selhurst Park suggests an integrity both to win the match and to ensure that the club’s biggest ever game becomes part of Gander Green Lane’s history. ‘Integrity’ and ‘Football’ are words that are rarely found in bed together these days. The last time they got close was on a disastrous blind date set up by The Daily Telegraph.

Our chances of us beating the Arse are probably slim, however the plastic pitch may give us a little bit of help. No doubt this has played a part in the thinking of Sutton United, so the noble objective of actually winning wins over wonga*

However, I have a sneaky plan for Bruce and should he adopt it then I definitely want that free ticket. Apparently Sutton will have to dig up their plastic pitch if they get promoted to the Football League, but it appears that any type of pitch is allowed in the FA Cup competition. Therefore why don’t we dig up the plastic pitch now and replace it with melted marshmallow. Neither Sutton nor Arsenal will be able to make it out of the centre-circle for the duration of the game and a 0-0 draw is inevitable. There will then have to be a lucrative replay at Woolwich, or wherever it is Arsenal play these days.

Please send free ticket via this website.

*That’s ‘wonga’ as in money, not a payday loan company that charges one, five, o, nine percent APR (sounds quite reasonable when you say it that way).

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