News from Sutton today…Johnny Spangles, a rotten old potato, is launching a campaign to get himself a ticket for the Sutton United v Arsenal FA Cup match. This follows yesterday’s historic draw for the fifth round. According to the Sutton United FC website, season ticket holders will get first dibs* on tickets for the big match.
“This is all very noble”, says Johnny, “but my people were here first.”
“Prior to the laying of the plastic pitch we had a muddy old field that was home to me and my mates. Very little football was ever played on it because it turned into a swamp after just three minutes of a light shower. However, this made for perfect growing conditions. For instance there wasn’t a single home game played in the 2012/2013 season, which I remember was a bumper crop year.”
“We did our bit during the war too. During 1944/1945, two rainy Saturdays and a few doodlebugs put paid to any footy for the season. So that year we stuck two fingers up to Hitler’s U-Boat blockade and kept the population of Sutton in mash”
“However, our sacrifice seems to have been forgotten. When the plastic pitch was laid we were dug up and thrown onto a compost heap, and now we find ourselves marginalised when it comes to seeing United stuff the Arse.”
Johnny plans a series of potato-orientated protests. On Saturday 4th Feb, when Sutton play distinctly less glamourous Boreham Wood in the FA Trophy, he will be leading the chips in Rose’s Tea Bar out on strike. The pies are expected to come out in sympathy and he is expecting some flying picket burgers from Carshalton Athletic.
Should the management wish to engage in constructive negotiations, before this protest takes place, then a ticket for the Arsenal game should be sent to Johnny via this website.
Some corporate hospitality would be quite nice too.
*For our overseas readers: “First dibs” is a piece of Olde English Law meaning ‘an entitlement to preferential treatment”. If you are interested in antiquated English legal statutes then you may wish to google other examples, such as “Finders keepers” and “He who smelt it, dealt it”.
Note for pedants: Yes, potatoes are not technically root vegetables. Although grown underground they are in fact a tuber. Isn’t it time you stopped living with your parents and got a girlfriend?
For a shock update on my protest see Plastic Pitch Plot